


Suit You, Ralph

by thespiderbaby



Category: The Fast Show
Genre: Innuendo, M/M, Sexual References, Tailors, Wedding, set before last fast show ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 23:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11001012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/thespiderbaby
Summary: Ralph goes to get measured for a new suit.





	Suit You, Ralph

"This is the place, Ted. You can just drop me off here."   
"Alright, sir."  
Ralph scrambled out of the car and clumsily adjusted his jacket, before walking over to the driver's side to talk to Ted.   
"I shouldn't think it'll take too long, Ted. I can...er...I can send you a... text message when I've finished, Ted. You do have my number, don't you?"   
"Yes, sir," Ted mumbled.  
"Of course, I remember giving it to you. I think you must be the only person who has my 'phone number, apart from the bank. Anyway, that's not the point."   
There was a slight pause as Ralph considered what to say next.   
"Ted, after I've finished getting measured for my suit, would you like to have a bite to eat in town? There's a rather lovely tearoom... it's been quite a while since I've had a proper afternoon tea... it's not the same on your own, and I do so enjoy it, all the little sandwiches, and the scones and of course the lovely cakes and I think you wou-"  
"I don't think so, sir."  
"Yes, of course, Ted. I'm sure Mrs Ted has something spectacular planned for your lunch. Well...in that case, I'll see you after I've had my suit fitted."   
Ralph waved goodbye to Ted, and watched him drive off. 

As soon as Ralph stepped into the tailors, a short, brown haired man wearing a smart suit slid across the floor to him. Ralph stepped back, afraid he was going to crash into him, and walked into what he'd originally thought was a mannequin, but was actually another man, blond-haired, with a tape measure round his neck.  
"S-sorry," mumbled Ralph.  
The tailors didn't seem to hear him.  
"Good morning, sir," the brown-haired man said. "How are we today then, sir?"  
"I'm quite alright," replied Ralph. "And you?"  
"Radiant, sir, radiant."  
Ralph was going to ask how one might go about getting measured for a suit, but it seemed the tailors had read his mind; they had already got out their tape measures and were measuring around Ralph's waist.  
"This suit, sir. Where will you be wearing it, sir?"  
"Oh, er, I'm going to a wedding. Someone I was at school with. It seems everybody I know is getting married these days!"  
"A wedding, sir? Oh!" The tailor's tone changed. "Tell me sir, will you be giving it to the bride, sir?"  
Ralph was taken aback. "W-what?" he stammered.  
This time, the blond-haired man replied.  
"My good colleague simply wishes to know whether you'll be, ahem, getting familiar with the bride, sir. Oh, do tell me you will, sir!"  
"I-"  
"At the reception, sir! Right next to the buffet! All you can eat? Oh, suit you!"  
Ralph was growing visibly uncomfortable, but there was no way he'd be able to escape.   
"I'm sorry, I'd really rather you didn't-" he started to say but was interrupted by more obscene suggestions from the tailors.  
"Of course you wouldn't go for the bride, sir. You'd much prefer a bridesmaid, wouldn't you, sir?"  
"It's best when there's a lot of bridesmaids, isn't it, sir? No one will notice if one's missing, if you've popped off for a quickie with her in the loos, sir."  
"And, sir, you can take your pick of all the lovely ladies! There's a lot to choose from!"  
"Or you could just take them all. Oh, suit you, sir! I know I would."  
Ralph's face was red and he fidgeted with his waistcoat as he tried not to react to what the tailors were saying. He fumbled in his pocket for his phone and typed out a message to Ted- "Please pick me up now"- adding a kiss to the end out of habit and then swiftly deleting it. But the tailors saw his phone and, as expected, started off on a new set of outlandish suggestions.  
"Texting a lady-friend, sir?"  
"Has she sent you a picture of her breasts, sir?"  
"Can I see, sir? Oh please sir!"  
Ralph had had enough; he was feeling more self conscious than he had ever felt before. "Just...just shut up and get on with your job!" he snapped, instantly regretting it as he realised how much he'd sounded like his father just then.  
"Oh Kenneth, we've got a feisty one!"  
"Right you are, Ken! Oh!"

Ralph felt slightly relieved as someone else walked into the shop and the tailors glided straight over to him. However, this changed as he realised it was Ted, looking out of place amongst the smart suits in his scruffy old coat and wellies.  
"Ted!" he called. "Time to be getting back home, don't you think?"  
But Ted had already been drawn in by the overenthusiastic tailors.   
"Ooh sir, a nice new suit would suit you down to the ground, sir. A handsome, distinguished, older man such as yourself, sir. A smart suit would draw all the ladies to you, sir."  
Ted looked deeply uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. Ralph made his way across the shop to stand near Ted.  
"Ted, we ought to be getting back now. You know, I need to cook my lunch and so forth." Ralph didn't tell Ted that his lunch was a microwave meal for one from Waitrose.  
"Oh sirs," the tailor cut in again. "I didn't realise you were...together."  
"We're not," Ralph hastily cut in. "Well, we are, in so much as he's...my friend, my good friend and he's giving me a lift, and uhh...uhh..." Ralph could feel himself getting redder and redder and decided to stop talking.  
"Your friend, sir? With benefits? I bet a lift into town isn't the only thing he'll be giving you, sir! Oh, suit you!"  
"Come on, Ted. L-let's go home."  
As Ted and Ralph walked towards the entrance of the shop, the tailors followed them, shouting out even more explicit suggestions.   
"Do his sideburns give you something to hold onto, sir?  
"Suit you, sir!"

As soon as they were a safe distance from the shop, Ralph turned to Ted, still blushing furiously.  
"I think, Ted, I shall have to buy my suit from somewhere else. Or perhaps there's no point in even going to the wedding. I'll stay at home instead."


End file.
